I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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