I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
