I heard we made out
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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