from now on my penis is your penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
