Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
