I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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