Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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