you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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