Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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