You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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