Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
