Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
