I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
