Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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