I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
