Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
