I'm gonna have a badass scar
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
