i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You left your phone here
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