Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
