life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
