im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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