she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
