Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
