i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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