I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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