my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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