Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
