This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
