Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
