and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
