well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
