Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
