For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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