i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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