Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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