life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
