I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
