Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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