My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
