The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
