I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
