sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
