Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
