I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
