I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
