My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
