I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
