Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
