just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
