Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
