I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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